A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were leaving the grocery store. It was hot (because Texas), we had just spent most of our money on groceries, and we were starving. Neither of us had taken the time to eat something before grocery shopping.
My birthday had been a few days earlier, and I had eight dollars left. I had really wanted to save the little cash I had, but it was 100° in Texas, and I thought it was entirely too hot to cook. We typically don't break for less than quality food items, but my stomach was rumbling in protest of emptiness. We pulled into an ethnic fast food drive thru, and I told my husband I was going to order a few items off the value menu, and we could share.
As we were sitting in the line waiting for our turn to pick up the food, the Lord began to speak to me. This urgency for nourishment was exactly what Easu was feeling in Genesis, when he gave his birthright to his younger brother for a bowl of stew. The Holy Spirit quietly whispered to me, "You're selling your birthright for a bean taco." I was stunned. I had never considered this cost of a value menu item.
What exactly had those few items cost me, I wondered internally. Once again, the Lord began to show me what He meant. Because I didn't discipline my body (we had a back seat full of groceries), I was not only trading in the blessing that was the rest of my birthday cash, I was trading the birthright of my health. Isaiah 53 tells us that when Christ died on the cross, He not only bore our victory over sin, but by His stripes we received healing. I can't trade my birthright of health for junk food, and expect the Lord to bless it. Health comes from prayer, fasting, and wise decisions about diet and exercise. All my life, I have struggled with my weight, and as an adult when I know better, I was still making bad decisions.
Trading in my birthright for a bowl of stew....
I can't go back and unchanged the food that I have eaten over the years. Jacob could not go back on his word to give his brother his birthright, and the Word says he despised it after handing it over. We make poor decisions when we don't control our flesh. But the good news is God will give me back my portion of the birthright because I am a co-heir with Christ.
Since that day a few weeks ago, I have been more vigilant to keep watch of my hunger. Am I perfect? No. I have 20 or more years of bad behavior to overcome; but I know that I can. And now, I am more aware of the cost.
Read the story:
Esau Sells His Birthright
29 Now Jacob cooked a stew; and Esau came in from the field, and he was weary. 30 And Esau said to Jacob, “Please feed me with that same red stew, for I am weary.” Therefore his name was called Edom. 31 But Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright as of this day.” 32 And Esau said, “Look, I am about to die; so what is this birthright to me?” 33 Then Jacob said, “Swear to me as of this day.” So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. 34 And Jacob gave Esau bread and stew of lentils; then he ate and drank, arose, and went his way.
Thus Esau despised his birthright.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Inconvenient Kindness
Rant warning: I often do things for people. Things that cause me to have to go out of my way, I do out of the kindness of my heart. Sometimes, begrudgingly, I will do something just because I know it's the right thing to do. And you know what, that's ok. I don't mind being inconvenienced if it means I can make someone else's day a little brighter.
I wish there were more people in the world that would be inconveniently kind to others.
I hate being a burden to people. Rarely will I ask for something that I may want or need if I feel it will inconvenience someone. What's more, if I have something someone else may need or want, I wouldn't rub it in their face. I consider everything I do, how it might impact another person.
For instance, right now, we only have one car, and my husband drives it to work. For the most part, it's no big deal. I don't mind being home alone all day, most days. You know what does bother me though? When someone goes out of their way to brag about where they are or what they are doing KNOWING and not caring that I am home alone. Especially when that person could just as easily have asked if I wanted to join.
I would have done it; I would have asked. I would ask every time I left the house if they needed anything or wanted to go with me. I would have driven out of my way to pick them up because it's the right thing to do.
This is not an "I'm better than you" rant. This is a "my feelings are hurt because I go out of my way to do crap for you all the time, and you don't have the same inconvenient courtesy for me" rant.
I know to some, this may seem petty. But I vowed to be candidly christian, in the good moments and the bad. And right now, this is a bad moment. I don't rant on my social media sites for everyone to see. I'm ranting here because hardly any one will see. I just needed a safe place to vent my frustrations at the injustices of the world; even if the world right now is just me alone in my apartment and the injustices are my frustrations that not everyone thinks the way I do.
I actually feel better after getting it out.
1) Don't throw in people's faces the things you are capable of doing and they are not.
2) Don't complain to a woman struggling with infertility about your unplanned pregnancy. It makes us feel like lava is moving around on the inside of us, preparing to explode.
3) In summary, remember the golden rule: Always treat others the way you would want to be treated. You may need something someday, and no one wants to do something for an inconsiderate person.
Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world. " Go out of your way for people. Be inconvenienced often. Not only does it help someone else, it builds character. And when they don't return the favor, remember that those inconvenient things you do are for the Lord.
I wish there were more people in the world that would be inconveniently kind to others.
I hate being a burden to people. Rarely will I ask for something that I may want or need if I feel it will inconvenience someone. What's more, if I have something someone else may need or want, I wouldn't rub it in their face. I consider everything I do, how it might impact another person.
For instance, right now, we only have one car, and my husband drives it to work. For the most part, it's no big deal. I don't mind being home alone all day, most days. You know what does bother me though? When someone goes out of their way to brag about where they are or what they are doing KNOWING and not caring that I am home alone. Especially when that person could just as easily have asked if I wanted to join.
I would have done it; I would have asked. I would ask every time I left the house if they needed anything or wanted to go with me. I would have driven out of my way to pick them up because it's the right thing to do.
This is not an "I'm better than you" rant. This is a "my feelings are hurt because I go out of my way to do crap for you all the time, and you don't have the same inconvenient courtesy for me" rant.
I know to some, this may seem petty. But I vowed to be candidly christian, in the good moments and the bad. And right now, this is a bad moment. I don't rant on my social media sites for everyone to see. I'm ranting here because hardly any one will see. I just needed a safe place to vent my frustrations at the injustices of the world; even if the world right now is just me alone in my apartment and the injustices are my frustrations that not everyone thinks the way I do.
I actually feel better after getting it out.
1) Don't throw in people's faces the things you are capable of doing and they are not.
2) Don't complain to a woman struggling with infertility about your unplanned pregnancy. It makes us feel like lava is moving around on the inside of us, preparing to explode.
3) In summary, remember the golden rule: Always treat others the way you would want to be treated. You may need something someday, and no one wants to do something for an inconsiderate person.
Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world. " Go out of your way for people. Be inconvenienced often. Not only does it help someone else, it builds character. And when they don't return the favor, remember that those inconvenient things you do are for the Lord.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Labor Pains
I was reading my devotion this morning and it was great. I read on an app, so some days, I like to read ahead if it is a particularly good exposition. This particular morning I am reading a 30 day devotional by a controversial pastor who happens to be a friend of our family. He speaks often about living out your faith, not just in deed but in word. Some call it "name it and claim it," but I prefer to see it as he does; an act of faith confessing to God that you believe His Word to be true. I would call it a measure of faith.
If you know me, you know that I am not ashamed of my testimony. My testimony is not my past. I was never involved with drugs, sex, alcohol, or any other "big" sin from which I needed to be delivered. My testimony is my day to day life: my struggle with infertility and my faith, daily learning to be a godly wife, learning to give Biblical advice instead of my personal opinion, and balancing love and truth.
I was thinking deeply about my devotion as I was reading, contemplating the value of its exchange in my personal life, in my own testimony. I was reading one of the scriptures given from Genesis 4 where Eve makes a bold statement about God giving her another "seed" in Seth, when the Lord spoke to me. He whispered, "Every birth starts with labor pains." What He was telling me is that in life, we will have seasons that are painful. In those seasons, the pain doesn't make sense; we are left desperately trying to find something to cling to because it hurts so much.
I know these times intimately, especially struggling with infertility. But it is through that process of pain, those moments of holding on for dear life and screaming at the top of our lungs because we think that no one has ever felt this pain as deeply as we are feeling it, that we are just on the other side of "giving birth" to new life.
God tells us in Romans 8:28 that ALL things work together for our good.... Even those painful moments are working for our good. I have never had the pleasure of going through physical labor pains to bring forth a child. When pregnancy come easily, the labor pains are the last thing about which a woman wants to worry . But I think about it often; the pain of giving birth to something that is literally a new life. I long for that in the physically because I know it's bringing forth a miracle.
Oh, that I would embrace it in the spiritual too.
The parallel is uncanny. Because of sin, we give birth in pain (Genesis 2), but just on the other side of that pain is the relief, the breakthrough, the miracle that we have labored for so long. Admittedly, the blessing doesn't always look like what we thought it would, but it's always beautiful. And no amount of peering into into a spiritual sonogram could show us the value in our suffering, just as in the case of a physical sonogram. Until we have exhausted every measure, until we have carried and labored for our due season, it might seem overwhelming and not worth it. But in the end, we will receive our blessing, our bundle of joy. We just have to endure those labor pains temporarily.
Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
If you know me, you know that I am not ashamed of my testimony. My testimony is not my past. I was never involved with drugs, sex, alcohol, or any other "big" sin from which I needed to be delivered. My testimony is my day to day life: my struggle with infertility and my faith, daily learning to be a godly wife, learning to give Biblical advice instead of my personal opinion, and balancing love and truth.
I was thinking deeply about my devotion as I was reading, contemplating the value of its exchange in my personal life, in my own testimony. I was reading one of the scriptures given from Genesis 4 where Eve makes a bold statement about God giving her another "seed" in Seth, when the Lord spoke to me. He whispered, "Every birth starts with labor pains." What He was telling me is that in life, we will have seasons that are painful. In those seasons, the pain doesn't make sense; we are left desperately trying to find something to cling to because it hurts so much.
I know these times intimately, especially struggling with infertility. But it is through that process of pain, those moments of holding on for dear life and screaming at the top of our lungs because we think that no one has ever felt this pain as deeply as we are feeling it, that we are just on the other side of "giving birth" to new life.
God tells us in Romans 8:28 that ALL things work together for our good.... Even those painful moments are working for our good. I have never had the pleasure of going through physical labor pains to bring forth a child. When pregnancy come easily, the labor pains are the last thing about which a woman wants to worry . But I think about it often; the pain of giving birth to something that is literally a new life. I long for that in the physically because I know it's bringing forth a miracle.
Oh, that I would embrace it in the spiritual too.
The parallel is uncanny. Because of sin, we give birth in pain (Genesis 2), but just on the other side of that pain is the relief, the breakthrough, the miracle that we have labored for so long. Admittedly, the blessing doesn't always look like what we thought it would, but it's always beautiful. And no amount of peering into into a spiritual sonogram could show us the value in our suffering, just as in the case of a physical sonogram. Until we have exhausted every measure, until we have carried and labored for our due season, it might seem overwhelming and not worth it. But in the end, we will receive our blessing, our bundle of joy. We just have to endure those labor pains temporarily.
Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Blameless Faith
There was in the days of Herod, the king of Judea, a certain priest named Zacharias, of the division of Abijah. His wife was of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
-Luke 1:5-6 NKJV
I've been doing this Bible study on struggling with infertility. I've read some encouraging messages that brought hope to a hopeless place. Infertility is a dark spot. Unless you've struggled with it personally, I don't think you can understand the burden it weighs on your soul. Some days it's a black hole, sucking the light from every corner of your universe. Some days are better than others. Every day there is a nagging voice whispering all the reasons you're unworthy to have a child. This is the part of infertility I have struggled with the most. I believe in formulas. I believe that "X plus y" equals "z". I thought if I did all the right things, prayed all the right prayers, believed all the right scriptures, my plan was God's plan.
Maybe Elizabeth did too. She and Zacharias walked blamelessly, and they were still childless. I wonder how many prayers she prayed for a child. I wonder how many nights she cried herself to sleep because her neighbor was having her 7th child. Maybe she had more faith than me and never struggled, always trusting the Lord. I doubt it.
Being barren in those days was almost ostracizing. Being barren was a curse; what sin must you have committed to cause the Lord to reject you in such a terrible way? BUT THEY WERE BLAMELESS! Lord, why would you do this to someone who served You blamelessly?
It doesn't end there though. This Godly couple did conceive a child. His name was John. He was the predecessor to our Savior. God used John to make way for the coming of the Lord. So what did Elizabeth and Zacharias do to finally deserve a child? They waited. They prayed. They remained faithful and blameless. They didn't follow a new set of rules, a specific set of guidelines, carefully considering and counting each step. There is no such set of rules. God's ways are not "one size fits all". The road He paved for me is not the same He paved for my best friend or my sister. My journey is unique and challenging and meant to draw me closer to Him.
He knows exactly what I need to go through to cause me to break my own desires and depend solely on the One who can heal my hurt and scars. Being blameless will not guarentee a child. God is not a "one size fits all" god. But trusting Him no matter the situation will guarantee spiritual maturity, a process that only increases our faith. He is the Creator of the universe and He loves me where I am, in those areas where I'm blameless, and has grace for those areas I'm still trusting to overcome.
-Luke 1:5-6 NKJV
I've been doing this Bible study on struggling with infertility. I've read some encouraging messages that brought hope to a hopeless place. Infertility is a dark spot. Unless you've struggled with it personally, I don't think you can understand the burden it weighs on your soul. Some days it's a black hole, sucking the light from every corner of your universe. Some days are better than others. Every day there is a nagging voice whispering all the reasons you're unworthy to have a child. This is the part of infertility I have struggled with the most. I believe in formulas. I believe that "X plus y" equals "z". I thought if I did all the right things, prayed all the right prayers, believed all the right scriptures, my plan was God's plan.
Maybe Elizabeth did too. She and Zacharias walked blamelessly, and they were still childless. I wonder how many prayers she prayed for a child. I wonder how many nights she cried herself to sleep because her neighbor was having her 7th child. Maybe she had more faith than me and never struggled, always trusting the Lord. I doubt it.
Being barren in those days was almost ostracizing. Being barren was a curse; what sin must you have committed to cause the Lord to reject you in such a terrible way? BUT THEY WERE BLAMELESS! Lord, why would you do this to someone who served You blamelessly?
It doesn't end there though. This Godly couple did conceive a child. His name was John. He was the predecessor to our Savior. God used John to make way for the coming of the Lord. So what did Elizabeth and Zacharias do to finally deserve a child? They waited. They prayed. They remained faithful and blameless. They didn't follow a new set of rules, a specific set of guidelines, carefully considering and counting each step. There is no such set of rules. God's ways are not "one size fits all". The road He paved for me is not the same He paved for my best friend or my sister. My journey is unique and challenging and meant to draw me closer to Him.
He knows exactly what I need to go through to cause me to break my own desires and depend solely on the One who can heal my hurt and scars. Being blameless will not guarentee a child. God is not a "one size fits all" god. But trusting Him no matter the situation will guarantee spiritual maturity, a process that only increases our faith. He is the Creator of the universe and He loves me where I am, in those areas where I'm blameless, and has grace for those areas I'm still trusting to overcome.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
In Waiting
Wow, it's been a while. And for good reason. I have had 3 years of writer's block. No, not really. I forgot to write. Really. How can a writer forget to write? It became too painful. Or, more appropriately, I became consumed in my pain. Life has not been easy. But I am learning that it's the "up's and downs" that define us; that make us who we are. It's been a process. There's another reason it's been a while. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice when I was writing my earlier blogs. They became about a deadline, a formula to get my point across. I had to have so many scriptures and questions and lines...... But I'm here now; that's what really matters. And here is a glimpse into my soul. Thank You Jesus that You are Healer!
Lord, I am here
Waiting patiently on
You
To do Oh Lord,
What only You can do
I am empty
I feel incomplete
I need You God
To come heal me
Lord You know
The hurt in me
The pain I feel
That no one see’s
You know my guilt
The shame I bear
The child I want
My great despair
But You care
When others can’t see
You look at my potential
At what I can be
You hear my cries
You wipe the tears
You love me
Despite my fears
You take my unbelief
You take away the
shame
You cast out the
guilt
You heal the pain
You don’t give me
what I want
You leave me with
what I need
You remind me You’re
in control
I just need faith the
size of a mustard seed
That’s all I have
But to You I will
give
My faith, my trust
Will to live
I will trust
You’re working good
for me
I have faith
Even though I can't see
Forgive my unbelief
Forgive my indecision
Take my life, take it
all
Fulfill Your mission
I won’t say it’s easy
I couldn’t say it
doesn’t hurt
I will say I trust
You
With all my heart
Lord, be near
Stay close to me
I give it all
My life an offering
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