God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present
help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
Much like the Charlie Brown character, Linus, I have always carried around a security blanket. Mine the more proverbial, it has followed me through some of life’s most awkward encounters. If there was anything in my life that could save me from myself, it has been my self- depreciating sense of humor. I learned from an early age that no one can make fun of you of you beat them to the punch. And, as much as I had stacked against me- five foot nothing and overweight- I have to say my tactical approach has worked. But like all things that counter the Word of God, it has come with a price. You know that old saying we learn in childhood, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? Yeah, well, I’d like to meet the cotton-headed ninny muggings that came up with that one. One of the most damaging things you can do to a person, especially a woman, is cause them to question their value. A woman is particularly more vulnerable because God gave us the enormous duty to carry around a memory that does not easily forget. And when you come from a family that constantly berates one another, you either lose yourself or learn to cope. As stated, I learned to make fun of myself before anyone else had the chance.
But recently, God has been showing me that the way I feel about myself is not the way He sees me. As a matter of fact, it’s the opposite of how He feels about me. On the day of my wedding, I was not the bliss-filled bride you see in every movie or television show, anxiously, cautiously taking in every detail as if to store it in some special memory box that would last forever. I hardly remember most of the day’s goings on; not because of uncertainty or unhappiness. All I remember wanting is to get that day over with so I could begin the rest of my life with the man I had waited for 23 years. Nothing that happened before would compare in the grand scheme of life to the years I would spend in great adventure with the one I love. I am convinced that is how God sees us! He’s not so concerned with the things leading up to our relationship as He is with how we spend the rest of our lives. That was a great epiphany for me because I spent a long time wondering just exactly what God sees in me. I once wrote that I am my own worst critic; nothing anyone could say to me would be as hurtful as the things I tell myself. But God wants me to view myself from His eyes. He wants me to know that I am loved and safe and beautiful. He wants me to walk in grace and dignity, despite my past. God cares how I feel about myself because He cares for me!
Upon this great revelation, I have tried viewing myself in a different way. I know that I am not perfect, but God has a way of turning ashes into beauty. Though we can have a relationship with God without a sense of self-worth (many religious cults are built on this idea), I know we can not walk in fullness until we allow God to encompass every area of our lives, even our self-esteem. I’ll end with this- a church we were visiting had a great quote, “ We need to worry less about self-esteem and focus more on God-esteem.”
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