Hello Mr. Awesome:
It’s been a while. Actually, as much as I hate to admit it,
it hasn’t been that long. I keep up with you. Not in an obsessive, stalker way-
I just get curious how life is treating you for time to time. Though you may
disagree, you were a big part of my life for a small amount of time, and I do
think of you occasionally. I can’t recount that period in my life without
thinking of you fondly. I’m not sure why, though. I spent way too many nights
crying and fixating about why I was not good enough for you. A few positives
came from our friendship, but mostly it caused me to drag around a bag full of
the negatives, even until recently. I can’t blame it all on you. There was a
time when I was preoccupied by our friendship. I waited dotefully on you. Every
corner was riddled with excitement and anxiety at the idea of bumping into you.
And that was my fault for giving you too much room in my heart. You were a
great friend, but that’s not what I wanted. And I know you knew that. Your share
of the blame weighs more, I believe, because you knew how I felt and you used
that to your advantage. I was the last-minute idea when you needed someone to
stroke your ego. I was the one you could
convince, with little coaxing, to go with you to Walmart or Waffle House at 1
am. And I think you knew why.
And yet, I was never good enough for you. And not knowing "why" took me years to overcome. I brought our relationship into my marriage, a
huge sin I begrudgingly admit. I have spent the last eight years of my marriage
in unbelief that my husband could think I was beautiful or smart because YOU
couldn’t. Do you know how painful and foolish I feel because I let what you
thought of me dictate how I felt about myself? Very; the answer is very painful
and foolish. Sure, there were other people in my life that diminished my sense
of self-worth; but none as much as you. Because I loved you. Because we had so
much fun together. And because no matter what I did, it wasn’t what you needed.
So I kept up with you. I watched you from a distance, the way some people look
for an old photograph and never find it.
When things were rocky in my marriage,turning to thoughts of you made me feel worse. The “I wonders” and even the “I knows” about you made it more challenging
to love my husband to the fullest because a small part of me still cared about
what you thought of me. But not anymore. I know. I understand now what a waste
of time it was to invite you in to my marriage when you were clearly not worth
the effort. I am disappointed because you are not who I thought you were; you
are not who you pretended to be all those years.
When I found out who you really were, the first emotion I
felt was heartbreak. It broke my heart to know the past you and the “new” you
are not the same. The second emotion I felt was conviction. I cannot believe how
much time I wasted on someone who is truly not emotionally cost-effective. I
had a head knowledge of that; now I have a heart knowledge. Thankfully, I have
an honest relationship with my sweet husband. He knows I tucked you deep in the
baggage I brought with me when we were married. And I repented for asking him
to heal any wound you caused. That was definitely unfair to him. I
know you could care less, but I am free- totally free- from you now. In the
last few weeks, I have smiled more and worried less. I have laughed and cried
and loved without that sliver of you that was left, and I survived. And I feel
amazing. I’m working on me now. Me without you. And this post is honestly the
most thought I have given to you in months. But I felt it needed to be said,
for my sake, that I no longer depend on you for my reflection. I have a new image;
that broken mirror I have carried around with me for too many years has been
replaced with a new, shiny mirror. Now, I reflect Christ.
I want to say a few words to you in closing, and I promise
you this is the last I will think of you for a really, really long time. I
think you are a hypocrite for questioning “peoples” salvations “ (including my husbands) when you really need to take a new look at yours. I’m really
glad that I was never anything more than a convenient friend to you, because I
would be miserable right now if you were still in my life. I know you didn’t
make me think about you, but you did lead me on. You knew how I felt about you,
and you used that to your advantage. I disagree with your new identity. If old
you met new you, I promise you he would not be happy. And lastly, you’re really
not that awesome.
